You mean, "Are we hoping for..."

On Monday, my husband and I met with our financial advisor to discuss budgeting and savings. During the whole discussion, in the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself "Do I ask if/how we should budget for potential fertility treatments in the future?"  I knew budgeting for when you have children is something that you need to do, but never did I think about budgeting to HAVE children. Dealing with infertility is dealing with the emotional, physical, mental and financial challenges that go along with it.

As the conversation continued with our financial advisor, the dreaded question arose, "When are you planning on having kids?" PLANNING? We were planning to have kids like yesterday. I felt my eyes start to well up a bit as I paused for a quick moment to decide how I wanted to respond to that question. Maybe we should have started the meeting with, "We are experiencing infertility and may need to spend loads of money/gamble on a procedure that has a mere 24% success rate.  Can you help us plan for that?!"  Feelings of frustration and sadness rushed over me and I felt like I could have exploded on him or burst into tears. I never knew how many thoughts and emotions one could contemplate before responding to a question until this moment. I thought to myself "How insensitive of him to ask that question," and then a reality check came in that it would have been irresponsible of him to not ask if children were planned in our future... we were there for financial planning. I also thought about how I could respond. "I'm not sure." "When the time is right." "They are on our radar." ... I went through all of these vague responses, but then I realized my initial thought of this man as being insensitive was most likely due to his lack of awareness and understanding of how important semantics are when dealing with individuals challenged with infertility.

In what I thought must have been the longest, most awkward pause prior to a response this man had ever witnessed (but in reality was a quick 2-3 seconds) I came to a conclusion. I replied with slightly water-filled eyes, "We are coming up on two years of trying. We HOPE to have kids any down now, but our time will come when it's meant to be." I responded with blunt honesty, although it may have been uncomfortable for our financial advisor, because I wanted to emphasize that having kids isn't a simple plan for everyone and that people may be having a difficult time. I figured this may raise awareness, and felt that perhaps his moment of feeling uncomfortable might prompt him to change his wording. I keep in mind that raising awareness isn't going to happen over night, but my hopes are that if I chip away at one, it will multiply.

So what could he have said that would have prevented the negative feelings that rushed over me? Perhaps nothing- I don't know. But I wouldn't hesitate to say that if he just changed his wording it may have made a difference. I wonder what kinds of feelings would have evoked if he had asked "Are you hoping for children in your future?" instead of "When are you planning on having kids?" How was he supposed to know that we were experiencing infertility?  I'm not sure.  Maybe we should all assume that people are infertile until we are told otherwise?

After I responded, my negative feelings quickly fled and I began to feel empowered.  This was actually perfect timing, as I had 3 consecutive days of feeling sad in regards to our infertility challenges leading up to this appointment, so I could have easily fallen to tears.  But, I didn't and I am proud of how I responded.  On one of the days that I was sad, I had someone say to me, "But I thought you were feeling better." It's true, I had been. But the reality is, at this time, my journey with infertility is cycling through the stages of grief. I'm not sure at what point I will reach the stage of acceptance, but what I do know is that in the meantime I will embrace where I am. I feel confident in saying that I am no longer in the stage of shock and denial. Therefore, when I am in the stage of anger, I will use my anger to fuel my desire for change in regards to opening the closed doors where infertility hides. I will use my moments of depression and detachment to remind myself of how lucky I am for all that I have, especially the loyal and supportive husband beside me. When I am in the stage of dialogue and bargaining, I will embrace this stage by sharing my story with others, raising awareness, and reminding myself that God is on my side.

Although we haven't met with a doctor to discuss procedures such as IVF, I have done research and I have been daunted by the expense.  I found this link in case anyone is looking for some helpful hints on how they can plan/save money for this type of procedure.  As IVF becomes more popular, I hope people keep in mind that this is not always an optional procedure for people (i.e. not being patient enough, designer babies).  For many, this is one of the routes that need to be explored in order to achieve their dreams of becoming parents.

I also came across this link from resolve.org about creating a financial plan in order to make treatment affordable.

Well that is all for now-  I hope this post finds everyone doing well!

Infertility Awareness

I decided to share my story with infertility publicly, not for pity, but to increase awareness and to offer resources and support.  The support I have received from people after going public with our infertility struggles has been overwhelming.  I have also felt an incredible release and weight off my shoulders.  Sharing my story has helped me to let go of the shame I felt associated with my infertility.  The experience of sharing my story has reminded me of a client I worked with who stuttered.  She was in her 40s and for 40+ years she never talked about her stuttering.  She recalled times with her family where she knew her stuttering was the elephant in the room.  Because nobody ever talked with her about her stuttering, it developed a significant stigma that it was bad.  That stuttering was bad.  The attitudes and feelings one has towards his/her stuttering significantly affects the degree of stuttering.  Relating this story to my challenges with infertility, sharing my journey has allowed me to rid of the negative attitudes and feelings I had of myself and my body.

There are so many reasons I encourage people to increase awareness.  Here are just a few:

• People struggling with infertility feel so alone because nobody ever talks about it

• People frequently ask married couples "When are you going to start having kids?"  
• This question is a natural question to ask, but it may cause unnecessary stress.  The couple could be trying and having a difficult time.  This has happened to me often and in my thoughts I am saying, "If you only knew," but what I actually say is "When the time is right."  I could always handle this question with a smile, but I would often go home in tears.
• Raising awareness may shift the questions people ask others regarding family planning.  Perhaps people will stop asking this question?  Or maybe they will change their question to, "Are you going to try to have kids?"  

• Increasing awareness increases resources.  There are a number of resources on the internet and the doctors offer their knowledge, but there needs to be more research and more support for infertility. There are so many stories I hear of "unexplained" infertility... there has to be an explanation!  For example, I have researched random things I know about myself, like the fact that my hands and feet are constantly (cold hands, warm heart).  This led me to other people challenged with infertility who also experience cold hands and feet.  I wouldn't have come across this pattern if I didn't do extensive research.  Also, some states mandate that insurance companies cover infertility treatments, and some states do not.  Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia.

• Increasing awareness reduces the stigma.  Reducing the stigma reduces society produced shame that is associated with infertility.  Reducing and eliminating shame gives people dealing with infertility one less thing to have to address.  Addressing the grief associated with the feelings of the loss of a child you have yet to have or may never have is enough.

• There are so many people who have to deal with infertility.  1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC).  Infertility is common, so why don't we talk about it and support it.

Here is a website that gives suggestions on ways to Increase Awareness without impeding on privacy.

Also just came across this blog challenge for infertility awareness!

Sending my best to everyone, no matter your journey!