So today was a bit of a set back emotionally. I had been feeling settled and confident in the path my life is taking me. I know that I am confident in the life God has planned for me and that God's timing is perfect. I know this from the path that led me to my wonderful, patient, accepting and loving husband, Sean.
I am lucky to have Sean. He has undeniably been the rock I have needed to get through these times. The shoulder I have cried on, the one that has made me laugh when I didn't think laughing was possible. I feel bad for him and for us. Sometimes, I wish I had known that I would be faced with infertility struggles before I met him, so that I could warn him that he would have to deal with this complete roller coaster ride. As much as I know God's timing is perfect, at this time I do not understand why I/we are going through this. I am confident that just as what happened with my path to Sean, it may not make sense now, but later I will understand. In the meantime, I came across this quote on Pinterest that I hope can help others who are patiently waiting and wondering when their time will come. I don't agree with all of it- I don't think I will be better than anyone else as a mother, but I do believe that God is giving me insight and a special vision of and for children. I also believe that I can now comfort others instead of run away from discomfort. I am not going to be bulletproof and I will have times of tears (lots I'm sure). Perhaps this is the reason we are experiencing what we are:
Trying to stay positive-
My hope and faith are bigger than my setbacks and fear.
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Tear jerker! I balled my eyes out reading this poem. Truly hits home. I am so inspired by your strength. Not only in dealing with difficulties trying to start your family but also in opening your heart and letting us all in. Infertility issues are not easy and it feels like such a lonely place. Thank you for sharing and pouring your heart out. It's definitely not easy to talk openly about these types of problems, as so many women around us have families and don't understand. We have to hold in our tears as the pain of pregnancies and babies are all around us, all of the time. Of course we are happy for others, but is it not fair to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes? I know I have often felt guilty about feeling this way, happy for others, yet sad for myself. Afraid to let anyone know because I don't want any pity. I definitely don't want people to watch what they say for fear of making me upset or not telling me about their amazing babies/children!! I also believe that there is a reason for everything. Although you will have to be patient, I believe that it will be worth the wait. And you will DEFINITELY be a wonderful mother someday, hopefully soon ;o). Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way...
ReplyDeleteThanks T and well said! Sometimes I fear that my friends who are having babies will stop sharing their experience, stories and pictures of their pregnancy and motherhood out of fear that they will hurt my feelings or make me upset. It is definitely a challenge to balance emotions as they can conflict at times. Ultimately, I know and my friends know how much I love them and their babies/children. One time I had to tell my girlfriend that I wasn't going to be able to make it to her baby shower (I always thought I would be by her side through the whole process) because I was going through the process of a miscarriage. I made sure she knew that it wasn't because I wasn't happy for her, but it was because when I saw her I wanted to feel genuine happiness and not an ounce of sadness for myself. She was so understanding and supportive. So I met with her one to one to give her and the baby my gift and it was perfect. I felt like I was with her sharing 100% genuine happiness.
DeleteI am thinking of you as well, T, and I am sending positive thoughts your way!