How We Got Our Baby "Bruin": Part 1

Baby Announcement (RamonaLisa not pictured- camera shy)

Sean and I are feeling beyond blessed to share this news with you. We are so grateful for all of your thoughts and prayers that have gotten us here. We continue to pray for a safe and healthy pregnancy, as well as continue to pray for the comfort, peace and patience of all of those facing infertility. Some people have asked me what I/we did to get here... It's not a quick answer, so here is a blog to try and map it all out- Part 1.

We prayed.

Last November 2014, I was home from work healing from what was believed to be an ectopic pregnancy.  I had to do two rounds of methotrexate in order to (ultimately) terminate the embryo that was developing in my fallopian tube.  This was an emotional struggle for me.  In all honesty, I put off the methotrexate for consults with several doctors in the practice, as I did not want to terminate a potential life.  With my own research and doctor's guidance, it appeared that it was absolutely necessary in order to potentially save my own life- so I did it.  With the consistent and unconditional support from my husband, I was able to get through the emotionally devastating weeks of going through a third miscarriage, and this time- to make it even more difficult- it didn't happen naturally- I had to receive injections in order to terminate it.  While I was home recovering both physically and emotionally, I was watching a daytime talk show that was highlighting a book that was written by Rebecca Fett, a patent litigation attorney at a large law firm in New York, with degrees in molecular biotechnology and biochemistry, with experience in laboratory research in the field of genetics.   The book is called "It Starts With The Egg."  

After her own struggles with infertility and her developing fascination and careful analyzation of hundreds of scientific papers identifying specific effects of toxins and nutrients on the biological process of infertility, Rebecca felt compelled to share her knowledge with those who were also struggling, in order to try and bridge the gap between current research and conventional fertility advice. "It Starts With The Egg," takes scientific language and research-based findings, and compresses the information into comprehensible language. It is an easy to follow book with solid evidenced-based information, with ongoing references sited throughout the book and pages of references listed in the back. In the introduction, Rebecca states:

"Seeing our growing baby on the 12-week ultrasound and hearing the heart beat were moments of such pure joy that I wanted the same for everyone else going through the process of fertility treatment or planning to have a baby.  Of course, in the world of infertility there are never any promises.  No one can ever be guaranteed a way to get pregnant because there are so many variables and unique challenges... But this book offers a plan to improve your odds, and in doing so, improve your overall health and prepare your body for a healthy pregnancy."

I could not concur more with the statement aforementioned.  My experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, my gained knowledge, my faith, have led me to this blog post about what we did to get to this point.  As Rebecca stated, nothing is promised and everyone's situation is different.  So, as you are reading this, please know that I know that what worked for me may not work for the next person.  My hope, if anything, is that my story can support you through yours or somebody that you know.

We prayed.

After watching Rebecca speak of her journey on the daytime talk show, I ordered the book, read through it and took notes.  As I was reading through my notes, I was overwhelmed by thinking of how much money I would need to spend in order to make some environmental changes.  Therefore, I told myself that the changes did not need to be made all at once and that I would set goals for myself.  I always felt I lived a rather healthy life. My meals were always balanced and I exercised.  I had a screening done through my work in January, and my blood sugar, cholesterol, blood pressure, and weight were all perfect.  In fact, the woman screening me was very impressed with my numbers.  What I didn't realize, was the amount of toxins I was surrounding myself in everyday, which were hidden in my hair products, skin care products, perfume, make-up, household cleaners, storage containers, and "healthy" food.  

BPA, parabens, phthalates. Although exposure is inevitable, there are ways to reduce it, which can ultimately affect your fertility.  

BPA- There is strong evidence that exposure to BPA during crucial egg development can create chromsomal abnormalities.  Keep in mind that the formation of egg quality process occurs 90 days prior to ovulation. There is also evidence that shows BPA affects successful fertilization and implantation of the egg.  In addition, BPA disrupts hormone systems including estrogen, testosterone, thyroid hormones and insulin- all of which are essential for fertility.  I have significantly reduced the amount of information regarding BPA in the book for the purpose of this blog, but if you would like more information, please refer to the book, your own research and/or ask me!  

So what did I do (and still do) with all of this BPA information?

• If I buy canned goods (e.g. premade soups, beans), I make sure the can is labeled "BPA-free."  The lining of canned goods can have BPA in them.  I found most canned goods with BPA-free labels to be found in the all-natural/organic aisles at the grocery store, as well as at Wholefoods.
• I replaced plastic storage containers and water bottles with glass only.  This has been one of my favorite changes.  I bought 4 glass water bottles with silicone covers for protection.  The water tastes SO much better coming out of the glass than it did the plastic.  I also put all of my leftover food in glass containers only- much easier to clean and I just feel so much healthier.
• If I do have any BPA-free plastic in the house, which rarely occurs now because of my glass substitute, I hand wash them only and I do not put them in the dishwasher.
• Lastly- I try and get rid of receipts as much as possible.  The receipts you get from shopping, restaurants, etc. can contain BPA in them.  So I try to handle them as little as possible, and I make sure to throw them out as soon as I don't need them anymore.  For ways to reduce exposure see:  http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/avoid-bpa-exposure-from-cash-register-receipts.htm

• We prayed.

Phthalates (THAY-lates)- another toxin, another endocrine disruptor.  They are widely used in plastics, nail polish, vinyl, cleaning products and fragrances.  There is strong evidence that high exposure to phthalates can impact a developing fetus, and more and more research is suggesting that it also impacts egg quality, embryo survival and therefore fertility.  BE CAREFUL- when you look at the ingredients of products, some companies have hidden phthalates and parabens under the general term "fragrance."  If you see "fragrance" as one of the ingredients, that means that it contains phthalates. 

So what did I do (and still do) with all of this phthalate information?

• I only use shampoo and conditioner (no mousse, no hairspray), and the shampoo and conditioner I use now are phthalate-free.  Obviously more expensive, but when they go on sale I buy more than I need.  I have been using ACURE shampoo and conditioner, and I love it:
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• I also changed out my body wash, lotion, sunblock.  Lotion and sunblock are of the most important items to switch because we don't wash it off and it soaks into our skin.  I have been using Burts Bees body wash, Badger and Aubrey sunblock and 365 body lotion from Wholefoods.
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• I changed my deodorant, toothpaste and mouthwash as well.  I am currently using TOMS toothpaste and deodorant, and Essential Oxygen organic mouthwash:
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• I rarely wear makeup now, but if I do- I only use Zuzu Luxe mascara:   "vegan mascara is gluten-free and natural, non-toxic clean mascara, gluten-free makeup, cruelty free makeup, fiber free"  and Zuzu Luxe eyeliner:
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• Since reading this book, I have not used nail polish or perfume, and I used hairspray once when I was in a wedding.  
• I have gotten rid of all of the Bath and Bodyworks soaps that we had in the house.  Now we are using Method products for both hand soap and dish soap.  I love Method!  
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• You will no longer find Tide in our house as we have switched to Mrs. Meyer's laundry detergent:
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• Goodbye toxic cleaners.  There is a store close by that sells all natural cleaners.  I have also been using some of the Method cleaning products.  I replaced everything we clean with- toilet bowl cleaner, granite cleaner, all purpose cleaner, window cleaner, etc.  It is amazing that now if I walk down the aisle of cleaners at the grocery store, I feel its harder to breathe!  Here are two examples of what I have been using:
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Next steps: I would love to get rid of our nonstick pans, and use cast iron and stainless steel only.  

• We prayed.

That's it for part 1 of what we did.  I will continue to blog about the MANY other things we did in the next blog- so keep your eyes out!  I will share more lifestyle changes, dietary changes, medical intervention and my faith,   I hope you found this initial Part 1 post helpful! :)

You mean, "Are we hoping for..."

On Monday, my husband and I met with our financial advisor to discuss budgeting and savings. During the whole discussion, in the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself "Do I ask if/how we should budget for potential fertility treatments in the future?"  I knew budgeting for when you have children is something that you need to do, but never did I think about budgeting to HAVE children. Dealing with infertility is dealing with the emotional, physical, mental and financial challenges that go along with it.

As the conversation continued with our financial advisor, the dreaded question arose, "When are you planning on having kids?" PLANNING? We were planning to have kids like yesterday. I felt my eyes start to well up a bit as I paused for a quick moment to decide how I wanted to respond to that question. Maybe we should have started the meeting with, "We are experiencing infertility and may need to spend loads of money/gamble on a procedure that has a mere 24% success rate.  Can you help us plan for that?!"  Feelings of frustration and sadness rushed over me and I felt like I could have exploded on him or burst into tears. I never knew how many thoughts and emotions one could contemplate before responding to a question until this moment. I thought to myself "How insensitive of him to ask that question," and then a reality check came in that it would have been irresponsible of him to not ask if children were planned in our future... we were there for financial planning. I also thought about how I could respond. "I'm not sure." "When the time is right." "They are on our radar." ... I went through all of these vague responses, but then I realized my initial thought of this man as being insensitive was most likely due to his lack of awareness and understanding of how important semantics are when dealing with individuals challenged with infertility.

In what I thought must have been the longest, most awkward pause prior to a response this man had ever witnessed (but in reality was a quick 2-3 seconds) I came to a conclusion. I replied with slightly water-filled eyes, "We are coming up on two years of trying. We HOPE to have kids any down now, but our time will come when it's meant to be." I responded with blunt honesty, although it may have been uncomfortable for our financial advisor, because I wanted to emphasize that having kids isn't a simple plan for everyone and that people may be having a difficult time. I figured this may raise awareness, and felt that perhaps his moment of feeling uncomfortable might prompt him to change his wording. I keep in mind that raising awareness isn't going to happen over night, but my hopes are that if I chip away at one, it will multiply.

So what could he have said that would have prevented the negative feelings that rushed over me? Perhaps nothing- I don't know. But I wouldn't hesitate to say that if he just changed his wording it may have made a difference. I wonder what kinds of feelings would have evoked if he had asked "Are you hoping for children in your future?" instead of "When are you planning on having kids?" How was he supposed to know that we were experiencing infertility?  I'm not sure.  Maybe we should all assume that people are infertile until we are told otherwise?

After I responded, my negative feelings quickly fled and I began to feel empowered.  This was actually perfect timing, as I had 3 consecutive days of feeling sad in regards to our infertility challenges leading up to this appointment, so I could have easily fallen to tears.  But, I didn't and I am proud of how I responded.  On one of the days that I was sad, I had someone say to me, "But I thought you were feeling better." It's true, I had been. But the reality is, at this time, my journey with infertility is cycling through the stages of grief. I'm not sure at what point I will reach the stage of acceptance, but what I do know is that in the meantime I will embrace where I am. I feel confident in saying that I am no longer in the stage of shock and denial. Therefore, when I am in the stage of anger, I will use my anger to fuel my desire for change in regards to opening the closed doors where infertility hides. I will use my moments of depression and detachment to remind myself of how lucky I am for all that I have, especially the loyal and supportive husband beside me. When I am in the stage of dialogue and bargaining, I will embrace this stage by sharing my story with others, raising awareness, and reminding myself that God is on my side.

Although we haven't met with a doctor to discuss procedures such as IVF, I have done research and I have been daunted by the expense.  I found this link in case anyone is looking for some helpful hints on how they can plan/save money for this type of procedure.  As IVF becomes more popular, I hope people keep in mind that this is not always an optional procedure for people (i.e. not being patient enough, designer babies).  For many, this is one of the routes that need to be explored in order to achieve their dreams of becoming parents.

I also came across this link from resolve.org about creating a financial plan in order to make treatment affordable.

Well that is all for now-  I hope this post finds everyone doing well!

Infertility Awareness

I decided to share my story with infertility publicly, not for pity, but to increase awareness and to offer resources and support.  The support I have received from people after going public with our infertility struggles has been overwhelming.  I have also felt an incredible release and weight off my shoulders.  Sharing my story has helped me to let go of the shame I felt associated with my infertility.  The experience of sharing my story has reminded me of a client I worked with who stuttered.  She was in her 40s and for 40+ years she never talked about her stuttering.  She recalled times with her family where she knew her stuttering was the elephant in the room.  Because nobody ever talked with her about her stuttering, it developed a significant stigma that it was bad.  That stuttering was bad.  The attitudes and feelings one has towards his/her stuttering significantly affects the degree of stuttering.  Relating this story to my challenges with infertility, sharing my journey has allowed me to rid of the negative attitudes and feelings I had of myself and my body.

There are so many reasons I encourage people to increase awareness.  Here are just a few:

• People struggling with infertility feel so alone because nobody ever talks about it

• People frequently ask married couples "When are you going to start having kids?"  
• This question is a natural question to ask, but it may cause unnecessary stress.  The couple could be trying and having a difficult time.  This has happened to me often and in my thoughts I am saying, "If you only knew," but what I actually say is "When the time is right."  I could always handle this question with a smile, but I would often go home in tears.
• Raising awareness may shift the questions people ask others regarding family planning.  Perhaps people will stop asking this question?  Or maybe they will change their question to, "Are you going to try to have kids?"  

• Increasing awareness increases resources.  There are a number of resources on the internet and the doctors offer their knowledge, but there needs to be more research and more support for infertility. There are so many stories I hear of "unexplained" infertility... there has to be an explanation!  For example, I have researched random things I know about myself, like the fact that my hands and feet are constantly (cold hands, warm heart).  This led me to other people challenged with infertility who also experience cold hands and feet.  I wouldn't have come across this pattern if I didn't do extensive research.  Also, some states mandate that insurance companies cover infertility treatments, and some states do not.  Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia.

• Increasing awareness reduces the stigma.  Reducing the stigma reduces society produced shame that is associated with infertility.  Reducing and eliminating shame gives people dealing with infertility one less thing to have to address.  Addressing the grief associated with the feelings of the loss of a child you have yet to have or may never have is enough.

• There are so many people who have to deal with infertility.  1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC).  Infertility is common, so why don't we talk about it and support it.

Here is a website that gives suggestions on ways to Increase Awareness without impeding on privacy.

Also just came across this blog challenge for infertility awareness!

Sending my best to everyone, no matter your journey!

"Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak." Psalm 56:8

So today was a bit of a set back emotionally.  I had been feeling settled and confident in the path my life is taking me.  I know that I am confident in the life God has planned for me and that God's timing is perfect.  I know this from the path that led me to my wonderful, patient, accepting and loving husband, Sean.  

I am lucky to have Sean.  He has undeniably been the rock I have needed to get through these times.  The shoulder I have cried on, the one that has made me laugh when I didn't think laughing was possible.  I feel bad for him and for us.  Sometimes, I wish I had known that I would be faced with infertility struggles before I met him, so that I could warn him  that he would have to deal with this complete roller coaster ride.  As much as I know God's timing is perfect, at this time I do not understand why I/we are going through this.  I am confident that just as what happened with my path to Sean, it may not make sense now, but later I will understand.  In the meantime, I came across this quote on Pinterest that I hope can help others who are patiently waiting and wondering when their time will come.  I don't agree with all of it- I don't think I will be better than anyone else as a mother, but I do believe that God is giving me insight and a special vision of and for children. I also believe that I can now comfort others instead of run away from discomfort.  I am not going to be bulletproof and I will have times of tears (lots I'm sure).  Perhaps this is the reason we are experiencing what we are: 

Trying to stay positive-

My hope and faith are bigger than my setbacks and fear.  

Resource pick for this post:

Jimmy Fallon- Coming out of the fertility closet

Resource for the friends and family of those living with infertility

Healing words- my body is not broken

First Post

Thursday, February 19th 2015- 8:00 p.m.  I've probably visited at least 500 websites related to infertility.  No, really.  Since July 2013, my husband and I have tried to start a family.  As many others dealing with infertility, the thought when we first started trying is that *poof* it would just happen.  Three miscarriages and almost two years later we are dealing with a different story.   People don't really understand what is like to be the person who grieves the child they have yet to have or may never have.

"When are you going to start having kids?"  

"You guys are getting older. You better start trying." 

"You don't want to be old parents, do you?"

 "Don't worry.  This happens to a lot of people."  

"Your time will come when the time is right." 

"There are a lot of people who went on to have kids."

 "Don't give up."

 "You're still young. You have time." 

"Oh I know someone who just took 'xyz' and she got pregnant.  Maybe that's what you need."

 "Take advantage of this time. Once you have kids you won't sleep."

 "I'm pregnant." 

Do these quotes resonate with anyone?  Simple statements and questions people make, without realizing its affect.  They all tug at my heart.  I know their purpose is not to be insensitive or to hurt my feelings.  But all of the aforementioned make it feel hard for me to swallow.  I have found a lot of comfort and support through the blogs and shared stories of others going through infertility, and therefore, I have decided to start a blog myself.  I hope this blog helps others relate, helps others to not feel alone, gives valuable resources and information to those dealing with infertility, as well as their families and friends, and touches at least one heart.

This is just the start.

Best Wishes All,

P.S. Just came across this resource for those dealing with infertility and those who know someone dealing with infertility: Acceptance in Infertility: 9 Untruths in the 'Never Give Up' Message